Almost 5 Years after my youngest daughter MC died of a Heroin Overdose I am finally trying to go through all of her belongings. Going through all of my youngest daughters belongings from when she was young all the way up to her death is so horrible and so sad. I look at MC’s Newborn Picture, Preschool Pictures, Ballet Slippers from probably the age of 4, Pictures from her years at Camp Mac, First Communion Pictures, 12 Year old School Pictures and the many Funny Video’s and Pictures of my very silly and humorous child as a teenager when things were beginning to turn dark. Below is the most painful thing I have discovered so far. I print it below because it shows how Powerful and Cunning and How Hopeless this disease can be.
MC’s Journal Excerpt
*Write Aunt Mary Grayson back 2/9
2/8/2014
“God forgive me… Why can’t I stop? I want to so bad but *&%&…It feels impossible.”
2/10/2014
“And when the angel had come to her he said,
Hail full of Grace, the Lord is with thee, Blessed Art thou among women.”
The above was written by my Daughter MC 13 Months and 15 Days before her Death. MC had gone from hope of a wonderful life ahead of her. MC had gone from dreams of going to College, having a Job working with young people with disabilities. MC had gone from dreams of long term Friendships, Marriage and having Children. MC had gone from hope of a wonderful life ahead of her to a place where she felt hopeless, in just 8 years. MC felt like no matter what she did she could not beat the Disease of Addiction no matter how hard she tried, and she had tried very very hard!
When I read, "*Write Aunt Mary Grayson back 2/9", I see a very normal note that anyone might write as a reminder to themselves of something they want to do.
2/8/2014
“God forgive me… Why can’t I stop? I want to so bad but *&%&…It feels impossible.”
Pain is what this disease causes and hopelessness. All Addicts experience pain with their disease at some point. MC’s level of pain was excruciating. This kind of pain is what I have to live with myself, being MC’s mother and helpless to stop this disease and the unbelievable amount of pain and loneliness it causes.
2/10/2014
“And when the angel had come to her he said,
Hail full of Grace, the Lord is with thee, Blessed Art thou among women.”
HUMILITY: A Desperate Prayer for Help and a reminder to stay humble. All 3 of these written in a three day period. These words coming from MC to me describe the pain, fear, desperation, hopelessness, and yet still a desire to shake this horrible disease. The fact that my daughter had to
suffer Mental, Physical and Psychological Pain from a disease like this. The fact that she tried so hard to get and stay sober and the fact that she was so alone is something I will never be able to deal with!
The Disease of Addiction causes such suffering and confusion. It ruins lives - not only the Addicts life but those of their Families and Friends. This Disease makes people question who you are and it can cause the Addict to question themselves. The Disease of Addiction causes a loss of self esteem and Trauma on many different levels. This Disease can last a short time or it can last for years and years and years. This disease can completely taking any dignity from the person who has it.
Thank You All for trying to understand alcoholism and drug addiction as the disease that it is. I hope that MC’s words can help you in some way.
-Marcia Grayson, Mother of MC Grayson